Chapter 6: Purifying obstacles through hardship

The deed of purifying obstacles and negativities through hardship

Then the lady and I talked it over, and I take responsibility for giving him the dharma and will help him, and so I’m delaying [his departure].” He came outside and If you’re leaving despite that, why are you carrying flour from my house?” He threw me down and beat me. Grabbing the flour, he went inside holding it, and I was despairing without measure, like a mother who lost her only son. 

Again, Ngokton Chodor and his retinue came requesting the great initiation of Hevajra. The lady said, “This time, offer the offerings, and then ask to attain the initiation.” She gave me a large red and beautiful turquoise that was her own private possession, and I offered that. “This time, I ask you to give me definitely this initiation.” I sat in the initiation line. He looked at the turquoise. “Great Magician, where is this from?” I replied, “The lady gave it to me.” He smiled. “Call Dakmema,” he said. I invited the lady. He said, “Dakmema, where did we get this turquoise?” The lady offered him many prostrations, and said, “As for this turquoise, when my parents first sent me to my husband, the lama went into a rage, and so [they said] if husband and wife become parted you’ll need it, put this away without showing anyone, they said, giving it to me as my private wealth. I have given it to this unbearably sweet child. Take this turquoise, and look upon the Great Magician with kindness and grant him the initiation.” I stayed there wondering if still a request would come. The lama was angry and suddenly rose up. “I sent you away but what pride you have to not have gone”. He threw me upside down and it was like evening [i.e., everything went dark].  He threw me on my back and it was like daybreak [i.e., I saw stars]. He grabbed a stick, and Ngok held him, while I was terrified and [jumped through] the window. I was so excessively distraught that I thought I had to kill myself, and at that time, the lady came to me in tears and said, “Great Magician, don’t despair. It is right for you to request the dharma from another lama; I will make preparations for you to meet with one, and provide you with offerings and provisions for religious practice.” Thus she consoled me. In the morning, the lama called me before him. I went, wondering if he would give me the dharma. “Is it enough that I didn’t give you the initiation, do hatred and disbelief not emerge?” “Faith in the lama is not shaken. I think the blame is because of my own great sins and defilements, and I was overcome with despair,” I replied, crying. Now the lama will not grant oral instructions without offerings. Even if I went to another, none would come who didn’t require offerings. Without wealth, I will not obtain the dharma. I thought this. Carrying my books,  I left without even telling the lady. I reached a place a single half day’s journey from Drowolung, and it was time to eat. First I begged some barley flour, and then borrowed a pot. I gathered water, fire, and wood, cooked a meal and ate it. Half a day passed. There, I thought, “Half the work I’ve done went to the lama’s service, and half was for my food payment. This morning, I didn’t wish the the lady well – I am bad.” I wondered whether I should go back, but I didn’t dare go back. I went to deliver the cooking pot and old man said, “Do you know how to read?” “I’m not always a beggar, I know how to read.” “That’s just right. So, read scriptures at my place for a few days and I’ll give you a good fee,” he said, and I was happy. “Great!,” I said, and staying there, I read the [Perfection of Wisdom in] 8000 [lines], and I saw Taktungu’s biography. He, for the sake of the dharma, was able to renounce life and limb. I thought, “If he gave up his heart he was certain to die, but he still decided to sell his heart. Renouncing compared to this, I’ve hardly suffered at all for the sake of the dharma. It’s possible the lama will still give the dharma. If he doesn’t, the lady has made a good promise to hand me over to another lama.” I generated the courage to return.

I arrived before the lady and prostrated. The lady was really overjoyed. I went and prostrated to the lama. The lama said, “Great Magician, if you wish for the dharma from your heart with such restlessness and urgency, you must be willing to give even your life for the sake of the dharma. So, finish the three stories of the tower, and then I will give the oral instructions. Otherwise, since you seem to have somewhere to go, leave.” Unable to respond,  I went outside. I said to the lady, “I am pining for my mother. The lama will not give me the dharma. If he would give me the dharma after I finished the tower work, it would be worthwhile to stay. But even if I finish the tower work, he will not give the dharma, and so I ask to go to my country. I pray for the Husband and Wife’s good health.” I prostrated. I took my book and prepared to go.

The monks were drinking the middling [beer]. The lady only touched to her mouth the weak [beer] and didn’t drink much. I did like the the lady and didn’t get drunk. The monks however did get drunk, and At that time, the lady took the lama’s seal from his house, and Naropa’s six ornaments, and his ruby practice object. The lady had a previously composed text and she affixed the false seal to it as his seal. She wrapped the articles with a fine cloth and pressed a seal of wax, and gave it to me. The lady said, “Act like the lama gave you this, and offer them to the lama Ngokpa, and ask for the dharma.” I went, placing my trust in Lama Ngokpa.

When I arrived in Riwo Kyingding, and he said, “Why have you come here?” “Lama Marpa is very busy, and so I am the only one he hasn’t had the occasion to teach the dharma, and so I have come here to ask for the dharma. I’m offering what he made, the ornaments of Naropa and his ruby practice object, as his gifts.” His eyes filled with tears and he held them to his head, to receive their blessing. He read the letter: “Ngok Choku Dorje, I am entering myself into closed retreat, and Great Magician is impatient. I am sending him to you to request the dharma, so grant him the initiations and teach him the oral instructions. As my permission to do like that, I am sending Naropa’s ornaments and his ruby practice object.” The lama said, “Layman Great Magician, have such and such signs appeared?” “Nothing whatever appeared,” I replied. “What are you saying? If there is no break in the vows of my lineage, the qualities of experience and realization have no choice but to emerge. You have come with faith in me. If you didn’t receive Marpa’s permission, what did he send the gifts? What’s going on? Meditate with tenacity.” I will raise the tamarisk roofing and golden spire and consecrate the tower, and simultaneously celebrate Dodebum’s coming of age. Come attend yourself. Also, you have my evil one there. Bring him also at that time.” “From the way of describing “that evil one” in this letter, it seems like you didn’t received the lama’s permission.” “I did not really have the lama’s consent. The lady gave me the letter together with the articles, and sent me here,” I replied. “What? In that case, the work we’ve been doing is pointless.